Wednesday, December 22
well, i know i'm not meant to be dwelling in the past. and to be honest, i haven't been doing that. everytime i sulk on the fact that i'm away from home, from family, from people i care for the most, i start beating myself up about it and telling myself never to go back to where i was when i cried most nights into my pillow just so i could be with people who love me and i love them back. i felt it was a great pity i was missing out on their lives and i'd make sure i wasn't enjoying myself too much so they are not 'missing out' too. that time, i didn't know better. i was called for greater things. moulding me to be a better person, a stronger one. and at the same time i still had people caring for me! i just didn't see that, i wasn't cherishing my present moment then. and now when i think about it, it had been a tremendous journey building me to be the person i am now. and being strong doesn't mean tough, being independent doesn't mean to not need anyone -Portia de Rossi
regretfully, i went back to his blog today, after a long time. i know i shouldn't be happy about it. but i am, i am for myself that even though i've given him many chances to pull himself out of it, that i am finally out. it was such a huge struggle but im relieved to know that it's all in the past and that as much as i hated it, i had to and i was able to detach. hurtful words were thrown at me, those that were insensible and immature, they were not held back. and this time, i feel for this girl. jic, im saying no more. but i really hope she's alright. and that he'd be able to mature and view the bigger picture in time to come. (would definitely help if it were soon)
i just wanna write this to remind myself in the future that people on CI, swong's&amos's cell, eunice&daryl, ICC and def my current housemates in alex&amelia's have helped my a great deal to overcome feeling sorry for myself all this while and walking me through my 'ordeal'. thank God for sending me these angels. couldn't have been able to stand up again without them.
15:17
Friday, March 27
ganbatte~
i should not worry about being less-cared for or less important. i'm the most important princess in His eyes and what I need is already mine. His inheritance is more than sufficient in my lifetime and I am given with what I can handle, No worries dear Yixin.
I can be generous and not Need to be stingy already. Stop worrying Yixin!
and i should stay out of your life, who you need is not me.
i should not worry about being less-cared for or less important. i'm the most important princess in His eyes and what I need is already mine. His inheritance is more than sufficient in my lifetime and I am given with what I can handle, No worries dear Yixin.
I can be generous and not Need to be stingy already. Stop worrying Yixin!
and i should stay out of your life, who you need is not me.
14:58
Wednesday, January 28
i hate you. i really do. i really really do hate you now. you've been such a jerk. i hate you.
and to top it off. i can't forget you've called me a bitch.
i hate you, superjerk.
and to top it off. i can't forget you've called me a bitch.
i hate you, superjerk.
19:10
Wednesday, January 7
yayyyyyyyyyyyyy i'm back at my blog! :D and i've just caught 一支梅! oh this is an excellent series with an excellent plot, definitely deserve every bit of compliment! awesome actor who is cute, 'long' but not boring not long-winded series. very touching too! good plot because ending is so not common and storyline is not like the usual korean drama kind. overall; 150/100! :P
yeah. i've decided to give up since long ago right? yeah, it's still going strong. (: this is all i can do to maintain a friendship and not having him give me emotional 'torture'. i can understand what he's going through cos whatever reaction he's having now is somewhat similar to how i reacted when i wasn't happy with almost everything in christmas island. if he could be there for me for as long as >9months, what i'm doing for him is considered peanuts.
on a happier note, i am using bernie's elephant notebook for recording all the blessings i'm receiving this year! i'm definitely believing for an overflowing year of profuse free favor; insufficient space in the notebook to contain all the blessings! AMEN to brothers and sisters in Christ because that is Daddy's portion for all of us!
He signed off with much love for us (:
yeah. i've decided to give up since long ago right? yeah, it's still going strong. (: this is all i can do to maintain a friendship and not having him give me emotional 'torture'. i can understand what he's going through cos whatever reaction he's having now is somewhat similar to how i reacted when i wasn't happy with almost everything in christmas island. if he could be there for me for as long as >9months, what i'm doing for him is considered peanuts.
on a happier note, i am using bernie's elephant notebook for recording all the blessings i'm receiving this year! i'm definitely believing for an overflowing year of profuse free favor; insufficient space in the notebook to contain all the blessings! AMEN to brothers and sisters in Christ because that is Daddy's portion for all of us!
He signed off with much love for us (:
19:44
Saturday, December 13
i really was hoping you would come by, with a surprise or not, to come accompany me as i study. it's so painful having to study by myself in my holidays, and i was really hoping. i know i was being selfish. i know you wanted to spend time with brother. i just had this bugging feeling that something somewhere was a lie. why is this feeling so strong? unless it's real? i know i'm being foolish allowing this thought to even surface. being silly to hope that you could be the guy better than mr bling bling. how could you be better? but still, i was hoping. it's okay. now i just hope it'll continue on it's path with all the postponing. yes mr bling bling is truly a dream.
15:35
Tuesday, November 25
yeh maybe. just maybe. it'll be better if you hate me this way.
maybe i won't allow myself to indulge in this temptation anymore.
maybe i won't get to enjoy talking to you anymore.
maybe i have hurt you.
maybe my negligence have caused you more heartache.
maybe me avoiding you is going to make me feel worse.
but maybe you'll be able to find someone better. someone who'd be there for you when you need someone there.
and maybe. maybe. maybe.. i need my space.
away from you.
before. i. fall. even. more.
maybe i won't allow myself to indulge in this temptation anymore.
maybe i won't get to enjoy talking to you anymore.
maybe i have hurt you.
maybe my negligence have caused you more heartache.
maybe me avoiding you is going to make me feel worse.
but maybe you'll be able to find someone better. someone who'd be there for you when you need someone there.
and maybe. maybe. maybe.. i need my space.
away from you.
before. i. fall. even. more.
01:19
Tuesday, November 11
really don't know what to do Lord. help me.
i know it's inappropriate to think about this right now. especially when it has totally nothing to do with my top priority, other than the fact it Might be part of my future but yeah, just a little while will do.
do all guys do this? feel bored at army and only cos they want someone to talk to they can say they like someone when they actually don't even if they're willing to commit, it's so not being truthful, and more so taking advantage of someone. i don't know if he's doing that but what this friend said is totally true, and definitely close to my heart too. and it is, if he's actually only out to find a gf.. or does he genuinely like me. is he talking to me now knowing i have every weakness of accepting him again knowing i'm That soft-hearted, or is he actually missing me and wanting me and no other girls? is he trying to settle down on me cos i'm more 'easy' in coaxing and taken in and that he feels secured cos i'm so blindly trusting him in whatever he says? lastly, does he have no one to turn to and to message that's why i'm arrowed as his form of 'secure support'?? source of security?? i really hope this is not the case, especially when i'm trusting him now despite my heart being in the midst of recovering and repairing from the broken trust still, just like a torn ligament that takes a long time from recovering but is still shaky because it'll nevr be fully recovered. "trust once broken, never mended"
i hope i can trust you. but i'm not sure anymore. can you? would you? reassure me with genuine feelings and actions. show me you're true to this and really want it badly. that i'm not wrong in giving my trust again despite being so unsure. you're scared of being unloved. ain't i afraid to be ditched again, being left with myself to cry to because my hand was being let go off again?
can i? should i? could i? may i? probably... ?
i really don't wanna be just another girl put into the picture to fill the space. i want space made for me cos it can only belong to me. i want to be the most special in your life and not just someone coming along and cos no choice, you're left with me to settle down. i really want to love as i am loved in return. i want your most honest answer. i want you not to give me flattery and empty promises. i want real, solid, honest, innocent you. not he she it, but you.
i know it's inappropriate to think about this right now. especially when it has totally nothing to do with my top priority, other than the fact it Might be part of my future but yeah, just a little while will do.
do all guys do this? feel bored at army and only cos they want someone to talk to they can say they like someone when they actually don't even if they're willing to commit, it's so not being truthful, and more so taking advantage of someone. i don't know if he's doing that but what this friend said is totally true, and definitely close to my heart too. and it is, if he's actually only out to find a gf.. or does he genuinely like me. is he talking to me now knowing i have every weakness of accepting him again knowing i'm That soft-hearted, or is he actually missing me and wanting me and no other girls? is he trying to settle down on me cos i'm more 'easy' in coaxing and taken in and that he feels secured cos i'm so blindly trusting him in whatever he says? lastly, does he have no one to turn to and to message that's why i'm arrowed as his form of 'secure support'?? source of security?? i really hope this is not the case, especially when i'm trusting him now despite my heart being in the midst of recovering and repairing from the broken trust still, just like a torn ligament that takes a long time from recovering but is still shaky because it'll nevr be fully recovered. "trust once broken, never mended"
i hope i can trust you. but i'm not sure anymore. can you? would you? reassure me with genuine feelings and actions. show me you're true to this and really want it badly. that i'm not wrong in giving my trust again despite being so unsure. you're scared of being unloved. ain't i afraid to be ditched again, being left with myself to cry to because my hand was being let go off again?
can i? should i? could i? may i? probably... ?
i really don't wanna be just another girl put into the picture to fill the space. i want space made for me cos it can only belong to me. i want to be the most special in your life and not just someone coming along and cos no choice, you're left with me to settle down. i really want to love as i am loved in return. i want your most honest answer. i want you not to give me flattery and empty promises. i want real, solid, honest, innocent you. not he she it, but you.
22:54